not there yet.

Sometimes even in our desire to serve and follow God, we lose sight of Him.

The first time I went to Haiti, I felt something stirring in my heart. Something was different about this place, about these people. As I returned to Haiti, each trip provided further confirmation that God was calling me to serve Him there.

So I started making plans. I thought that I knew how it would best work out. I would start this organization, build a school, and, according to me, already be living there beginning last month. I heard one word from God, and without waiting to listen for more, I took off running. If you know me, this is not shocking.

And then doors started closing in my face and plans fell through. My heart sank as things didn't happen at the pace and in the manner I wanted. My last trip to Haiti was not at all what I'd expected it to be. But God is not the least bit surprised by the way things are unfolding.

Want to know some really difficult words to hear from the Lord? "You're not ready." In the last month, that may be the only solid thing I've heard God speak to me. And, well, it's pretty humbling.

I have been spending the last few months trying to reconcile two seemingly conflicting desires in my heart. One part of me longs to drop everything here and move to Haiti - NOW. The other part of me has been unable to forget about the time a year ago when I was taking classes in order to go to nursing school. Nursing school is a big financial commitment, regardless of where I choose to go. It is also a large chunk of time - 3 years - during which school will be my primary focus, and I won't be free to travel to Haiti whenever there's an opportunity. I thought that in choosing nursing school, I would be turning my back on serving in Haiti.

But I couldn't get nursing school out of my mind. My desire to understand injury and illness in order to know how to facilitate healing grew even more during the five months I worked in the office of a medical clinic in Jackson. So I took a step of faith and began looking at and applying to schools in Mississippi. And in the same way the doors closed for me to move to Haiti this summer, the doors began flinging wide open for nursing school.

This is where I find myself. Preparing to go to college (again) and really excited about it. Humbled by the realization that God has a lot of work to do on my heart before I can live and minister in Haiti. Ready to see Him use these next three years in ways that I can't even comprehend or imagine. And honestly desiring, for the first time in maybe my entire life, to allow Him to have control of things. I mean, really, truly have control.

So much of my struggle in all of this stems from a deep-rooted pride, a lifelong attempt to be self-sufficient. Yet I was not created to be independent, but to depend on my Savior in all things. I serve a God who constantly whispers to me, "Oh, dear one, remember this: my grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness." And I long to echo Paul in saying, "Yes, Lord! Therefore I will boast all the more about my weakness, because when I am weak, YOU are strong."

Oh, but I'm not there yet.

He moves...and we follow.

My trip to Haiti was, in one word, incredible. The group from Ole Miss was wonderful, and I loved getting to know them. During the week, I had the opportunity to spend valuable time in Anse-e-Pitre building relationships with the kids and their families, learning a tad more of Creole, and receiving clarity about my next steps there.

I met with the Haitian pastors to talk about the needs in their village. They shared with me that there were many children who were unable to pay to go to school. The church was running a school for a time, but due to lack of funding could no longer pay the teachers, so they had to temporarily shut it down. Our dream: to reopen the school in September, and to find sponsors for each of these precious kids so that they can attend. Sponsorship will cover the child's tuition (to pay the teachers), school uniform, books, and all supplies, as well as one meal per school day.

I never imagined any of this. But He moves, and we follow gladly, content to do whatever it takes just to be with Him.

The vision I had about starting a non-profit to do long-term work in Haiti has now become absolutely necessary, in order to receive funds to channel towards this project. I have no idea how all of this is supposed to work, honestly - but I do know that God has provided everything up until now, and I am confident He will continue to do so. Praying for His wisdom and direction, and dreaming big dreams for the future of these children in Anse-e-Pitre....

miraculous provision.

God is so good, I can't even describe it.

I bet sometimes He watches me and chuckles, as I scurry around trying to sell everything I own, take on a million babysitting jobs, and sell my plasma (yeah...they won't take it anymore...cause I've been to Haiti. So there you go.)

He was smiling all along. Because He knew that He was about to provide immeasurably more than all I could've asked or imagined.

This trip is completely paid for. So are all my expenses for January-March when I go. Every last penny. Pretty incredible, right? God just did that all on His own. My efforts always fall short, and His work is always so much more beautiful than mine. Thank you, Jesus, that with You there is always enough.

Confirmation. I took a step of faith and bought my plane ticket, not knowing where the rest of the money would come from. And He sent it all, and then some.

Guess what guys?? I'm going to Haiti!!!! (maybe for forever!!)

saying yes.

Six more days 'til I am in Haiti again. My heart is so full of joy, I cannot even explain it. I can't wait to see their little faces, and give them the things I brought, and sing the only song I know in Creole over and over, and hug and hold and kiss every last one of them. And to think the love I have for the children of Anse-e-Pitre is only a tiny fraction of the love my Savior has for me...what a wonderful God we serve!

Sometimes I wonder how He can ever use me. He knows the deepest, darkest parts of my heart better than I do. He sees all of me. Yet He still allows me to be part of His work - it blows my mind! I just finished reading a book called Kisses From Katie. This girl's story is amazing and her entire adventure happened because she said yes. She said yes to God's plan, she said yes to living in a hard country, she said yes to loving every person she comes in contact with. She simply said yes, and God is using her.

I want to say yes to every single thing He asks of me.

P.S. - Read Katie's blog and check out Amazima Ministries online! You will be encouraged and challenged!

no turning back.

From this point forward, there's no turning back.

When God speaks to us, when He gives us a vision, we have two choices: listen and obey, or ignore it and walk away.

God broke my heart for the children of Anse-a-Pitre, Haiti, and the choice for me is crystal clear. I will follow Him there.

I have hesitated to share my heart for Haiti with many people, because I was afraid of their response. I was afraid they'd tell me I'm crazy. That what I want to do is impossible. That it will never work, what with the American economy the way it is, people couldn't support something like this even if they wanted to. That I should just stay here, do something easier - because Haiti is a hot, dangerous, underdeveloped country with none of the comforts I am used to here. That I don't have the skills or experience needed to run a children's home. And on and on and on.

I cannot say I am not afraid - I am terrified. While my heart longs to see this vision become a reality, at times the doubts are overwhelming. But they all stem from insecurities I have about myself. When, oh when, will I truly learn that it is not about me? If I were trying to move to Haiti and start a children's home in my own power, with my own resources, by my own wisdom, through my own strength - well, I hope that someone would try to stop me. But I am so thankful that my limitations do not limit our God in the slightest. I will cling to His promises and trust in His grace to provide everything I need to do His work so that the people of Haiti can know His love for them!! May His name be lifted high!!

"But he said to me,“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10